Anyone who has known me for any time at all knows I’m the super type-A list-maker and scheduler. I like to know what’s going on, when. I don’t do well with ambiguity, ambivalence, or up-in-the-air stuff. Even my lists are part of lists.
But sometimes, you have three kids ages 5 and under. Sometimes, your big kid moves out for college, and sometimes, you break your foot only a few months after messing up your shoulder. Sometimes, life takes that list you’ve neatly put together, crumbles it up, and bounces it off your head.
And maybe, just maybe, we need to stop putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on ourselves to be 100% composed 100% of the time. Yes, I’m going to say it. Sometimes, it’s okay to be a hot mess.
When things don’t go as planned…
I tend to have a really hard time adjusting to change. Last year at this time, I was upping my mileage and getting ready to run a half marathon. I was homeschooling, with no plans to put my kids in a traditional school setting. I was working hard as an editorial consultant, running my business and blogs as usual. But then, I hit a series of walls.
The first wall came a week before the half marathon. I managed to somehow mess my shoulder up significantly by getting out of bed. Your guess as to how that happened is as good as mine. But, it was the first thing that really messed with my mindset. I’d had a mantra every time I headed out to run. Being unable to do so, after training so hard for a year, really put me in a bad place.
Then, I got this brilliant idea in my head that I was going to run 1000 miles in a year. I ran 1 1/2 miles on January 2nd or 3rd, I can’t remember which. That’s the last time I ran this year prior to my daughter’s Girl Scout’s color run. Not only was it freezing outside this winter, but then, when I was finally feeling brave enough to venture outside in March, I missed a step going down the stairs and broke my right foot. Mix that with thinking I had breast cancer because I found a lump (I don’t, thank goodness) and being told If I were to get pregnant with baby 5 – something I really really really had wanted to do – would risk my life and probably that baby’s as well…and…
…it all just set off a spiral of self-pity, self-loathing, and finally self-reflection.
And yes, friends, I was a hot mess. Thanks to social media, though, I am a master of looking like I have my shit together 100% of the time.
It’s Okay to Say “Things Kinda Suck Right Now”
Why is that so hard to say, though? Sometimes, things just kinda suck. If we’re going to be honest, I’ve moved past being a hot mess and feel like I’m on solid ground again…but at the time…man. I was IN IT.
It’s also okay to take a moment and get your bearings. The tree of life smacked me hard in the face with multiple branches. I was dazed, confused, miffed, and sad as all heck. It felt like every time I tried to do anything I was met with setbacks (lies that our brains tell us when we get into a spiral).
Then we need to get back up…
This is easier said than done, right? I mean, people tell you to “get over it” or “get on with it” or “it’s not that serious” or whatever crap they do to wash what you’re going through off their hands so they can feel smug.
I’m a firm believer that it’s impossible to de-hot-messify yourself if you aren’t taking care of yourself. I know, I know. Trust me, I know. I have 3 kids ages 5 and under. I’m pretty much a zombie that lives on coffee instead of brains at this point. I have a 21 year old, and I have this crazy habit of saying “yes” to opportunities that fall on my desk. I find every excuse in the book as to why I don’t have time to do this or that.
But you see, thinking I had breast cancer – even though I did not – it made me think about ALL the things that I kept telling myself I would do for me and for my community. And then I decided, “I’m going to do that stuff. I’m done waiting for the perfect size to buy clothes or the perfect level of fitness to go camping with my kids or the perfect amount of time to step up and be involved with my kids’ activities as a volunteer. I’m going to do that stuff NOW.” I feel like I’ve finally processed all that went on…and that I can now talk about it.
And by feeding my soul – by working to ensure I have clothes I like on my body the way it is now, by doing the things with my kids now, by volunteering to be a leader for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop – somehow I managed to de-hot-messify and take those important baby steps back to the person I was trying to get back to being. And you know, I think the hot mess phase passed on faster than it has in the past. All because I decided to be present – now – and fully engaged, even if I wasn’t feeling it.
So if you’re feeling like a mess right now, it’s okay! I think most of us have phases of life that are just…messy. What pulled me out might not help you out – and that’s okay, too. I feel like it was a process though. It wasn’t “Bam! I’m okay again” It was more like setting a huge block of ice on a counter in spring to let it thaw – it was gradual. So be patient with yourself. Give yourself some grace. In the words of a therapist I had when I was getting counseling for PTSD, “It took a while for you to develop these normal responses to an abnormal situation that are now responses you’re having abnormally to normal situations; it’s going to take a while for you to heal from that.” It’s going to take a while to get back to things…to feeling like you – but, and I can’t emphasize this enough: It will happen.
