Please, Keep Your Insecurities to Yourself

Ronda Bowen,

Being a total diva in my dressToday’s post was going to be titled “Versatile Skirt/Dress Made from Sew Cheeky Fabric’s Retro Doodle knit” or something to that effect.  I sewed up this great dress that can also be worn as a knee-length skirt or midi-length skirt depending on my mood. I did it without using a pattern – go me! And wahoo – not only did it come out well – I LOVE it. 

So, I did what any person would do – I had my husband conduct a photo shoot. He’s become quite adept at getting photos of me. And before you think this is a post where I’m saying,  “I don’t look good, build me up,” let me stop you there. I look freaking awesome in this dress/skirt. We had a lot of fun. I felt like such a goof coming up with my props – but I LOVE how the pictures come out. I look beautiful, and very diva-like in the dress, fun and playful in the knee-length skirt, and cute in the midi-length skirt. I was stoked, and I posted the pictures on my personal Facebook page. 

Now, I’m well-past the age where I need outside validation to know that I look good/that I’m cool/ that whatever. I couldn’t give a flying rat’s hind end whether someone likes me or something I make. So that’s not why I’m writing this now. I’m writing this because there are many other women – those who never take pictures with their kids  (and many who are far smaller than I), those who starve themselves even though there’s no weight left to lose, those struggling with medical issues of very sorts, and those who have had lifelong struggles with weight and body image – there are ALL KINDS OF WOMEN who might post something similar, and who, instead of standing up for themselves, may delete the images they’ve posted, and retreat into the background, hiding their body from further criticism or comment.

So what was the “offending” thing that happened when I shared my fabulous sewn creation?  Someone, a person I’ve not met in person, but whom I know through another person close to me, took it upon herself to recommend that I “like” a Facebook page dedicated to low carb and high protein eating. 

You know? I’d already had so many “likes” on my pictures and posts across the places I’d shared. I get that posting pictures of myself full-bodied and confident does open me up to possible criticism, and I’m good with that. It wasn’t even that such a suggestion hurt my feelings. No, it pissed me off. 

You see, there are a lot of assumptions with a recommendation like that. One is that I don’t like how I am currently. Another is that I want advice on my weight that my doctor couldn’t give me (my doctors have never mentioned my size as a concern to them, by the way. That’s because on paper, I am extremely healthy, healthier than I was, actually, when I was 22 years old and a size 00 would hang loosely from my bony, too-thin body. By the way, when I was that tiny? People kept telling me to eat a sandwich. Sigh. Is a woman’s weight EVER off the table for others to comment on?). A third, more shady assumption is that I just couldn’t possibly actually be happy with my body the way it is.

Here’s the thing, though. I think that this person meant well. She probably really thought she was “helping” me. I think it was coming from a place of her own insecurities. It was a way of her saying “If I were your size, I’d want to look for this solution.”

However, I rather like my body. Here are many reasons why I like this body I have.

  1. I’m a corporeal being. I rather like having a body. If I didn’t, I don’t know that I’d exist. I mean maybe I would be chillin’ in the spiritual realm watching over my family, but my body allows me to do things. I can interact with the world around me. 
  2. My body has nurtured life, twice. It is the body belonging to the mother of my two, very awesome children.
  3. This body has allowed me to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. 
  4. This body has allowed me to hug those who needed hugs – even strangers who were hurting.
  5. This body is STRONG. 
  6. This body has completed several 5K races. While I haven’t participated in one since Little Miss was born, it’s something I want to do again to help raise money for various causes.
  7. This body allows me to get from point A to point B. 
  8. This body survived domestic violence, emotional abuse, and other trauma.
  9. etc.

The list goes on and frankly, you don’t need to know the reasons why i love my body the way it is. You need to know the reasons you love your body the way it is. It’s uniquely yours. It allows you to do all the things you enjoy doing. You, dear reader, are beautiful. I know that sounds like mumbo jumbo hippy feel good crap – but it’s true. We get so caught up in what everyone else thinks or might think or may possibly think about us, that it’s hard to see ourselves through all of that. 

My husband is my photographer (every once in a while Tiger Boy will step in and take a picture or two in his place). That means, the person on the other side of the camera is someone who loves me and who thinks I’m absolutely beautiful as. I. am.  When he takes photos, and I look through them, it’s kind of like seeing myself through his eyes – particularly when I go through the photos and he comments on the ones he likes. Even without him, in those times I try to capture selfies, I find that I rather like what I see – a lot of the time. Now, I’m not perfect. There are times when I don’t feel so great. There are times when someone suggesting a weight loss page could really sting… and that’s why I’m writing this.

In a world where so many women do not take photos with their children because they’re “too fat” or have a pimple or aren’t dressed right, why the HELL would anyone be so stupid and irresponsible as to recommend such a page to any woman who did not specifically ask for advice on weight loss methods or diets? Would you say to someone’s face, “Oh hey, have you heard of Weight Watchers”, right after she said to you, “Look at this fabulous dress I made! I feel so great in it!”? 

On that note, I’ll say to you, look at this fabulous dress/skirt I created. I love it, it’s comfortable, and I think I look amazing in it – especially when I’m wearing it as a dress. I made it using So Cheeky Fabric’s Retro Doodles. I was sent a yard of the fabric’s strike off to review. It was really easy to sew with, it’s stretchy in a good way,  I didn’t use a pattern. Instead, I made it based off my waist and hip measurements (and incidentally my upper bust is the same). I cut the waistband out and sewed it up and hemmed it. It was a really quick sew – partially because I kept the “pattern” simple, but also because the fabric is both beautiful and easy to work with. Here it is. I have three different “looks” I created, and I was goofing off in the back yard while hubby was taking pictures. 

Look 1: “Saturday Morning Farmer’s Market” 

The sweater is Old Navy, tank top is from Gap, shoes are Monolo Blahnik.

Look 2: Coffee Shop Bookworm

Okay, so I’m not *in* a coffee shop. But still 😛 Top is oh gosh, I don’t know. I think I got it from Kohls years upon years ago. The shoes here are also older, I think from Target, actually. The sweater is super-vintage. I’ve had it since I was 16. It belonged to my grandmother before then. There’s one more “look” after this, and you don’t want to miss it.

Look 3: Full-on DIVA

My favorite. The cardigan is older, from Fashion Bug (I actually got it and a couple of tops and some jeans after doing a fashion show as a plus-sized model several years back while still in grad school). The shoes are Gucci.

And so, my lovelies, keep on keeping on. I’m going to head off and snuggle a cute baby. 

Hobbies and Crafts Life

Comments (71)

  2. You are awesome. I agree with you I like the diva look best.

    I am shy about posting photos of myself, especially in full body shots of stuff I have sewn. I think a lot of it is because people feel so free to comment on women’s bodies in a negative way. It is telling that you got comments when you were thin too. Sort of odd that people think these sort of comments are fair game.

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Maggie.

      It is…frustrating…that people feel the need to comment on women’s bodies. Whether you’re thick or thin, tall, short, dressed casually, or to the nines…I’ve had so many random comments about my body through the years. When I was younger it was “eat a sandwich,” or “you need to eat more” or “you’re so thin, you’re disgusting” (yes, I heard that one, from a “friend” who thought she was “helping.”) When I gained weight…all kinds of advice about diabetes and heart attacks were doled out. I even dumped a dude who asked me why I didn’t look more like the girl’s on TV. (I was a size 10/12 when that happened). I really don’t know why people think these sorts of comments are fair game, and it seems to be even more so as social media has really taken off. When I lost weight several years ago because I discovered I liked running, there were comments about that as well. I’ve come to the conclusion that these comments have nothing at all to do with me and my weight and my outer appearance and everything to do with the person making them, his or her (oddly, more women than men) own insecurities, and this wierd can’t-win place women live in when it comes to our outwardly appearance. 😛 I just do what I want anyway LOL.

      Reply

  3. Brilliant post and so very true. I particularly hate the assumption that because I am overweight I am totally unfit. People don’t make these kind of assumptions about other body shapes in the same way.

    You are right, everyone’s body is completely awesome. Although I dance, this year I also started running and am amazed at how quickly I am increasing my fitness and my body doesn’t let me down. Keep rockin it in your amazing frocks!

    Reply

    1. Awww, thank you! Yes – the overweight = unfit thing slaughters me. It’s strange. I have always felt healthier at a heavier weight than I did as a teenager/young adult when I would get tired and run out of steam really, really easily, and colds would completely knock me out for weeks at a time.

      Dancing is great – and running. Oh how I love running. It’s freeing. I keep trying to make more time for it in my life since I do enjoy it so – it’s been a challenge to get back to it on a regular basis. I’ve got more awesome things I’ve been working on. I just have to finish them up and get pictures!

      Reply

  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I loved The photo gallery! As I have a similar body shape, I now know how cute that will look on me! ☺️

    Reply

  12. You rock Ronda. I love how you look. You look confident. You are beautiful because you love yourself. And such a good dress!

    Reply

  15. What gets to me is the assumption that if a person is large they obviously are to dumb to understand good nutrition on their own. And I really wish our society would go back in time a bit to where learning polite public manners was expected of you. So many people think they are my intimates and can speak openly about my personal matters. I have a small stained filling and have grown so tired of being told there is food stuck in my tooth that I’m having it replaced. I have a small bump on my arm that the doc isn’t concerned about – similar to a wart – and people comment on my “cyst” or as someone drawing blood once said, “ewwww, you need to get that thing taken off!” Honey, I love your outfit and think you look great. What I love even more is your glowing spirit! Live long and be happy!

    Reply

    1. Thank you!

      It’s so… interesting what people feel they are at liberty to blurt out in conversation! I would like to turn back time on manners as well…

      Reply

    1. Thank you! I have an addiction to shoes. LOL! At one point, when my son was 7 or so, I was playing tag with him while wearing 4″ stilletos… it’s about finding your center of balance when on them… but I’ll admit, it does take some getting used to!

      Reply

  22. Such a lovely skirt.. The fabric is awesome. And you look very pretty..
    So sorry , the lady made such a comment.. [that kind of people. are the ones that causes people to be so self conscience of themselves.]
    Your post is excellent..
    Enjoy your family, and enjoy your sewing..

    Reply

  26. Love the dress and the post. I’m jealous that you have sewing skills and are so comfortable with yourself. I wish all women could just love themselves as they are (sadly I’m the mom who isn’t in family pictures). Maybe one day society won’t feel the need to shame women who don’t fit into their whacked out concept of beauty because I know beauty comes in all shapes and sizes!

    Reply

    1. Aww, thank you, Kat. I can’t say that the comfort level with myself is something that happened overnight or something that is 100% constant (we all have *those* days. But I can say that one of the things that has helped – is having more photos of myself taken. It sounds odd, but once I got over the “ACK, that’s what I look like!?!” and started seeing the things my husband sees when he says “that’s a good photo,” I started feeling more and more confident and less and less awkward about photos 😀

      Reply

  29. Your dress/skirt is adorable. Those of us who sew know the range of options available to us is broad…I’m older than you by probably twenty years, and about the same size…I’ve always been happy with my body, younger and thinner, middle-aged and not thinner…still healthy after all these years. The people who amaze me and make me actually laugh in derision are the ones who cannot think of an argument to something I’ve said to a Facebook posting so they usually come up with something brilliant like…”Oh, shut up fattie” or “You’re old and fat!” Wow, are you brilliant. Do they really think that is going to hurt someone’s feelings??? If you’re LUCKY you’ll get old, and if you’re even LUCKIER you’ll have good health.

    Reply

    1. Thank you! Oh man. You’ve got to love that form of “arguing.” Sigh. As my college roommate would say, once the name calling begins, the person calling names has admitted to losing the argument.

      Reply

  31. Love this article!!! I hate when someone comments to me, oh you look too thin, or eat a sandwich. no matter what size, someone has to be an arse lol. I just joined the fabric group btw. So how did you sew the bust area of the dress? I love that it can be used as skirt and then sheath dress. is there elastic up at the bust to hold it up? Thank you!

    Reply

    1. Thank you! It is particularly annoying isn’t it?

      For the bust, I cut the fabric about 8 inches shorter than the width so that it would make it nice and snug and keep it from sliding down. I cut it about 5″ thick, sewed the short ends together, folded in half, pinned right sides together, sewed around with a zig-zag stitch, flipped it up, pressed, and then topstitched it in place. I’m planning on doing a tutorial with some fabric that’s been in my stash for a few years and I’ll take pictures 🙂

      Reply

  32. It’s not just you. I’m a size 12 but I have gained weight from being a size 10. I work in the “fashion industry” and I had a girl at work the other day look up from her phone and say,”You’ve gotten FAT!” In the fashion industry if you’re a size 6, you’re a plus size model. I think a lot of people have a prejudice against people who are overweight or in my case, even women who have big boobs or a bigger rear end. It’s almost like they hate them as someone would hate any other demographic. I don’t really understand it but I have people in my family like that. I have family members who, if an overweight person is in the room, I know they are going to make an ugly comment under their breath. It’s embarrassing. If someone had a blog that talked about wine and beer and the best places to party I can hardly imagine anyone would invite them to like an AA link. I don’t really think women are concerned about the health of others as much as they are concerned that someone would dare to brag about a perceived lifestyle they find unacceptable and that unfortunately happens in all veins. Thankfully, I am in touch with wonderful women of all ages, races, and demographics and it seems you have the same–I’m thankful for that. Continue to do you and strive for excellence–and support other women!

    Reply

    1. Oh boy. I grew up with some of that from family members, myself. I’ve since had to distance myself from that kind of negativity. I haven’t been sent an AA link yet, lol and this blog started out by chronicling wine tastings and random thoughts, and while I was pregnant, I turned it into more of a lifestyle blog. I’ve done a lot of sewing posts lately, becasue that’s where my attention has been.

      When I was a teenager, I did some modeling. I stopped when I hit a size 4 and was told I needed to lose weight. I was 5’10” and weighed all of 98lbs. I told them the only thing I needed to do was be myself… (I’ve always had hips :P) I still don’t know where on my body I’d have lost the weight from back then. Some unhealthy dieting suggestions were made (eat only ice cream, you’ll lose weight, etc.)

      Reply

  36. I know you have had lots of people telling you how wonderful you look – I will be another! I saw your picture on the Curvy Sewing blog and had to track down your blog ( and add it to my reader) because I immediately thought “There is a woman who celebrates her body with her sewing creations and I want to read about more of her makes.”

    Reply

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